Red sat with a bored expression as he watched Purple stuff his face with doughnuts. His eye began to twitch as he listened to the disgusting sound of the other Tallest's lips smacking together. Finally growing tired of the sound, Red yelled at Purple."Pur, it's been three HOURS. Put down the disgusting earth food that idiot Zim sent and do something productive!"
Tallest Purples' eyes widened comically. He looked down at the sugary treats in his hands and then back at Red. "Bu- but Reeeeed~. They're soooooooo good!" He gave the other tallest puppy dog eyes, his lip pouting adorably. "Earth sweets are soooooo much better than Irks!"
Red sighed and rolled his eyes. "I've known you since we were smeets Pur. That look lost its effect a LONG time ago."
Purple looked close to tears as he reluctantly put the doughnuts down on the ship's control panel. The box of Earth goodies in the corner hit a lever which, consequently, blew up a casino planet in the Nny galaxy. As the 'planet destroyed' message blinked on the screen, Red pinched the space where his nose would have been and sighed. Pur turned back to look at his partner with a sheepish expression.
"Ooops? OOOPS?! Purple do you realize what you've done!? Sorgon was a VITAL source of monies to the Irken Empire!" Red shook his head and pressed the intercom button on his throne. "General Sclorge? Yes, I know we just blew up a major source of income for the Empire. Yes, I know we have a truce with the Jthm's. Well tell them to deal with it or we'll blow up more planets. No I didn't know you had a million yerks invested there, sorry about that. AM I YOUR TALLEST OR AREN'T I? JUST TAKE CARE OF IT!"
Red smashed the intercom button, fuming. A colorful disk waved in front of his face. A quick glance down confirmed his suspicions. Sighing again he grabbed the offered doughnut from his partner and shoved it in his mouth, chewing angrily. Just to add insult to injury, the stupid thing really was delicious.
Shaking his head once again, Red let out a long sigh. "You're almost as bad as Zim, Pur..." Red's eyes snapped open and he jumped from his seat. "Zim! He hasn't contacted us for how long now?"
Ignoring the insult, Purple looked up at the ceiling with a 'hmmm.' "About 378 Earth days." he replied. Red began to laugh maniacally as Pur stared at him like he lost it. "What's so funny?" he questioned.
"Maybe Zim finally DIED!"
Purple's eyes widened as he watched Red. "Zim? Dead?" He threw his hands back and gripped the control panel in order to catch himself from falling over. "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY DELICIOUS EARTH MUNCHIES?!" He shrieked.
Red deadpanned at Purple's comment. He threw his hands up in defeat and turned his back to the other. "How is it you can take the greatest news to the Armada and turn into something so irrelevant?"
Purple let out a gasp at Red's words. "Irrelevant!? It's important to me! And seeing as I'm one of the Tallest, it's important to every single Irken!" Before Red could retort, the room began to flash red with a constant beeping that followed.
"Incoming transmission from Station #3067 sirs."
"3067?" Purple asked. "Isn't that Zim's station positioned on Earth's moon?"
Red's smug grin faded. He stood up grumpily and switched the telecommunications monitor on.
On the screen was the defective SIR unit assigned to Zim. When it noticed the Tallests, it waved frantically at them screaming randomly. "HIYAS PEOPLES~!"
Wincing at the shrill voice of the robot, Red finally lost his temper. "What is the meaning of this call?!" he demanded. The sharp demand triggered Girs' SIR programming. His teal eyes flashed to red and his hand came up in a salute.
"My Tallest! I called in to report the conquering of the planet called 'Earth'! The native aliens have been captured and subdued and Master Zim requests further instructions, sir!"
Red's eyes narrowed at the SIR unit. "You say Zim, THE Zim, has successfully conquered that dirt ball of a planet?" Raising his hand, Red made a shooing motion with his hand towards Gir. "I refuse to acknowledge his success until I have seen it with my own eyes."
Red returning to teal, Gir's shrill voice erupted once again. "OH! YOU WANNA SEE DA MASTER'S SHOW?" Smiling, the SIR unit turned around and pressed a few buttons on the control panel behind him. A large screen appeared as Gir stepped out of view.
Reds jaw dropped as he saw LIVE footage of Earth's capital. Millions of Earth's inhabitants were in organized lines in the streets, hands and legs shackled, heads down in defeat. One of the bolder stink-pigs tried to escape, running out of line. A shock collar around his head light up a bright blue as the mans head popped like a pimple. Reds' eyes widened at the gruesome sight. Looks like the little twerp actually did it. He thought bitterly.
Purple shot out of his chair, nearly falling over. "No!!! Don't kill the hyoomans!!! How else will I get my Earthy nachos and doughnuts?! Get Zim on the screen this instant!" The shouting protest of the purple Irken sent the robot back into SIR mode. Saluting yet again the screen flickered as the bot moved around the ship.
Going into the kitchen of the station, Gir found Zim at the table. Unfortunately, there were also waffles sitting on the counter, which got the little bots full attention. Squealing happily, Gir rushed over to the fluffy breakfast food and started shoving them in his mouth.
"MASTA!" He managed to yell around a mouth full of half chewed waffles, "DA FUNNY LOOKIN ONES WANNA TALKS TO YUU~"
Eyes growing wide with excitement, Zim jumped up from his seat and raced over to the control deck. Standing in front of the screen, Zim saluted his leaders with a grin. "Invader Zim reporting in to his Tallests!"
Purple glared at the Irken before speaking. "What is the meaning of this Zim? You dare destroy my source of happiness!? Do you realize that by killing off all the hyoomans, I WILL NEVER GET TO EAT THE DELICIOUS CANDIES OF THAT WORLD?!" He shrieked.
"Do not worry my Tallest. I have planned this all out carefully for your benefit." Zim's grin widened as he spoke. "These pig-smellies here," he gestured to the screen behind him. "Are worthless. The only thing I could find that they would be suitable for was manual labor. I have the more useful ones locked up somewhere they'll never be able to escape."
Purple's expression became more relaxed and he returned to his throne. "Ah yes... Very good then."
"You-you actually did all this?" Red stuttered. "You? Zim? ACTUALLY took over a planet?"
Zim's eyes closed in contentment. "Yes, yes. I know. Be amaaaaazed!" Moving out of the screens view for a second the Invader grabbed a v-book off of the table. Clearing his throat the Irken looked up at his leaders.
"As I said, I am in the process of separating the useful humans; such as the food making, strong, and attractive ones from the non- useful ones; the ugly, weak, old and overly stoopid ones. Of course none shall be exterminated until your Tallests' examine them. I have also taken the liberty of killing off the leaders of their race- as they may have posed a threat later on." Looking down at the tablet in his hands Zim nodded his head approvingly.
Clearing his throat, Red spoke once again. "So uh, Zim. How exactly did you manage this?"
Zim looked back up at his leaders, a smug smile plastered on his face. "That is what Zim is most proud of!" He laughed a little bit and continued. "You see my Tallests, a few months ago I sent out drones to every one of Earth's food sources. I had my drones place microscopic chips in every single food item and waited for the FILTHY hyoomans to devour their FILTHY foods. Once the chips had been devoured, I used this," he said holding up a small remote control. "To activate the chips. Once the chips were activated, I had complete control over the hyoomans."
"That's- that's impressive Zim!" Red exclaimed.
Nodding his head, Zim said, "Yes, I know... Such amazingness I have..." Clearing his throat, Zim continued. "I'll be sending the hyoomans' information to the Massive... Now!" With that said, Zim pressed a button on his control panel and smiled up at his leaders. A few seconds later a large file appeared on the screen in the throne room.
Hesitantly Purple tapped his claw on the file. A surprisingly organized index popped up with three title heads- Human Uses, Environmental Uses, and Planet Uses. Purple hovered over Human uses and a list formed underneath. Purple nearly choked on a nacho when he saw some of the things Zim had come up with.
"Consort? What in the seven hells were you thinking?! Those barbarians are disgustingly hideous! And jesters? Really? Maybe you aren't as good as we thought." Red looked nearly as grossed out as Pur. Zims shocked expression and frantic speech amused the irken rulers.
"B-but surely, my Tallest, you could use these hyoomans to your advantage! F-for example you could sell them to less superior planets as slaves! Or use them for scientific testing!" He flashed his leaders a nervous smile. "I know how you love personal slaves my Tallests. Currently there are more than seven billion hyoomans you can use at your disposal for whatever your needs may be!"
Tapping his chin with one of his fingers, Red looked over at Purple. "Ya know Pur, this might actually be good for us, seeing as you destroyed our major source of income." Ignoring Purple's glare, Red returned his attention to the Irken in front of him. "Very well Zim. We shall go through your 'medical files' under Human Uses and select the worthiest slaves."
Purple's eyes were huge as a realization hit him. "We can have the Earth doughnuts and nachos all over the galaxies! We'll be super rich!" The Tallest danced with glee at the thought of his very own doughnut maker.
Red merely rolled his eyes and his lovers antics. He tapped on the 'Planet Uses'. "Hmmmm. These are actually good suggestions Zim. And from what we've seen of Earth's geographical features and Desolate placement in the universe a prison is a rather good call. But Zoo? Nature reserve? Ooh here's a fun one: Irken hunting ground! Yes, I can see some rich floozy wanting to have a exclusive and expensive membership there. Hunting humans for sport- brilliant!"
Zim nodded his head rapidly. "Yes! Not only humans! There are literally millions, no, BILLIONS of other creatures on the planet as well! And with our cloning technology, we don't even need to wait for them to reproduce! One human dies, another 3 could take their place!"
Red nodded his head slowly. "Yes..." Looking up at Zim, Red's eyes bore into the other's. "Zim, this may have been the most beneficial thing that has been contributed to the Empire." Averting his eyes, he mumbled a 'good job'. With that said, Red cleared his throat and looked back at Zim. "We will be calling back within the week. Until then, keep up, uhh... Whatever it is you're doing."
Zim's eyes widened as his leader complimented his success. He watched as the screen disconnected and was replaced with the Irken symbol. Slowly, he slid to the floor. "Good job." He whispered to himself.